Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder why I want to be a missionary... Sometimes I wonder if it is for the right reasons... Sometimes I wonder why it is that I have a desire to go overseas...Sometimes I wonder why I am a little disappointed when someone says, "well maybe God will call you to be a missionary here at home" But ya know... I realized today while reading a girl's blog that I think the reason I have a dersire to go to another country is because I know as long as I am here in America, with everything at my fingertips, then I won't truly know what it's like to only have God. (Wow, that was a LONG run-on sentence!!!) But, this girl lives in Uganda, Africa. She has nothing. No malls, grocery stores, air conditioner, restaurants, tv, coke machines, etc... But she has God. And she's HAPPY and SATISFIED. I know that if I stay here in the USA then I won't ever fully know what it is like to only have God and to be satisfied. And more than satisfied. I won't ever fully realize what it is like to only have the things that I have because God provided them. And that is the ONLY reason I have them. Here, in the USA, things are easy. Things are available. God is here, for sure, but I don't seem to rely on God as much because I'm not doing without. I realize that He provided the things I have here, too. But, it's different. I want to experience God in a country that has nothing. African people are happy. Yes, they are sick, but they are happy. And not only in Africa. I've seen this first-hand in Nicaragua. And will see it in El Salvador this summer.

Yes, it will be SO SO hard to leave the USA. To leave my family. My friends. My job. My comfort. BUT I want God. I want to really know what it's like to fully completely rely on God. I know God has plans for me here. For now. But I pray that one day, He'll send me overseas. Is that crazy? Is that doing it for the wrong reason?

Don't get me wrong...I want to love like God loves. I want to find joy in the children of God. I want to show these kids what it is liked to be loved!!! I want to take care of orphans! But sometimes, I am scared that I'm doing it for ME. I DON'T want the glory to go to my name. Sometimes, though, I think I do things so that the glory will go to my name. I don't want it to be that way. It is a work in progress....