Thoughts...

Tonight I felt the need to update my blog...

But I couldn't find the words...
It's taken me some time to put my thoughts together.

The last few weeks have been different here. 

There have been no teams. 

No big groups. 

Just me and usually Lilly to go to the centers. 

While it's been different, it's been nice. 

Just me and the kids.

Getting to know one another. Spending lots of time together. 

Not being rushed. 

Not being interrupted. 

But it's also been a time of loneliness and a time where I've been uncomfortable. 

In this mission house alone most evenings and mornings. 

Having to fully rely on other people for everything. 

It's a new thing for me. 

Honestly, it's something I don't like. 

I've wondered... Do I love Him and the children and the calling on my life enough to be uncomfortable and lonely?

Some days I feel like I'd rather just go home. 

I'm just being honest here. 

I let *ME* get ahead of Him and *them*. 

This isn't supposed to always be easy. 

The Lord, I believe, wants to know how much I want this. How much I want His will for my life. 

Surely these kids are worth it. 

 They ARE worth it.
It makes it worth it when a kid who can't trust anyone... trusts me. They begin to let me in... They begin to open up to me.
They're WORTH it.

They are so worth lonely nights and relying on others to get me what I need.

When I feel a little lonely because I'm by 

myself the Lord reminds me of how lonely these kids must feel somedays.

Some days I completely fail at loving others as myself. 

 

Some days I totally put myself above them. 

But thankfully the Lord's Grace is there to cover me. 

His Grace is there to wash me clean of my selfishness. 

These kids are worth feeling lonely sometimes.

These kids are worth missing my family sometimes. 

Am I really alone anyway? 

Umm.... NO. 

The Lord says, "For I will never leave you nor forsake you."

I just wanted to be honest and share that these times here weren't all peaches and cream.

I want this to be a journal for myself. To look back and remember it ALL. Not just the pretty but the ugly, too. The parts where I completely fell on my face and messed up. But in those times also how the Lord's Grace picked me up, dusted me off, and set me on my way again to love on some more children of His. Because His Grace is beautiful. And it covers us all.

Thank You, Jesus. Thank You for these times. The times of trials and the times of happiness. For in the end I'm happy. And I'm safe in Your arms and in Your will.